Before I ramble about why we shouldn’t be afraid of starting over, I have a disclaimer. This isn’t about starting over in relationships. I probably won’t ever give advice on or about it because I simply don’t have the experience to do such. This is about starting over with your habits or other things in life. However, if my words resonate with you in connection with your relationship, then great.

Okay, now that’s out of the way, I can finally begin.

I’m a perfectionist.

Perfectionist kids like me aren’t afraid of ending tasks. We’re afraid of starting them. 

For instance, I have the perfect fic idea, like my OTP being lovey-dovey and whatnot. Everything is playing out amazingly in my head. But when I type it. It ends up being garbage.

That’s the case with me at work sometimes.

It takes a while for me to come up with a good intro. Something that could pull people in and say, wow this is a mildly interesting blog, why don’t I give this one a quick read?

Sometimes, I end up staring at my screen for too long and before I know it, I’m a few hours away from my deadline.

I tend to use the word “crippling” when I start writing something, whether it’s a fic or blog. Sometimes, it could also apply to other creative pursuits, like this blog. Or, other things. Whatever it is, I tend not to start.

But I think it’d be better to say I freeze when I do something. As a writer, I have so many thoughts in my head that my fingers can’t keep up with my brain’s speed. It’s insane. I don’t know where to start.

However, at work, I usually finish my articles, because well, I’m on the clock.

For other creative pursuits or non-creative interests, I tend not to start.

Truthfully, I can’t tell you when this whole perfectionism thing came about. When I was a kid, I didn’t think that I should do things perfectly. Maybe it came in the form of wanting to ace my quizzes and tests. But my English wasn’t the best then (even now, though). Plus, I think I half-ass most of my essays, assignments, or projects then lol.

However, I’d like to attribute my perfectionism when I started working because I wanted to make a good impression. And I experienced symptoms of imposter syndrome that I cried anytime I failed. That’s why I wasn’t willing to try.

You’re asking yourself now, why the fuck is she writing about not starting when the blog is about not starting over.

Okay, person, calm down. We’re getting to it, alright.

Two reasons.

First, it’s difficult for me to start something is that I know I’ll eventually fuck it up or fail. That’s my immediate thought.

There was one particular tweet that I thought, holy fuck, that was so me lol. I can’t find it now since I have so many retweets, likes, and bookmarks, that finding it would take me days.

Seriously.

The tweet went something like this, “If I start something new, I should be great at it immediately.” I believe there was an implication that if I’m not great at it, then what’s the point?

I was like, holy fuckity fuck. I felt it in my bones.

I’ve always thought that when you try something new, you should be great at it immediately. That was such a naive thought.

I can’t recall the number of times I tried something and decided nope I’m not doing this anymore. But it has happened more than once, for sure.

The second reason why I can’t start something is that when I know I did things incorrectly or a bad job, I tend to be hard on myself. Eventually, I ended up not forgiving myself.

Failure isn’t an option for me.

Looking back now, it’s such a silly notion.

With the support of friends and the help of therapy, I realized that it’s okay to start something. Fail. Try again.

You don’t have to be good the first time you try something new.

If you are, then you’re gifted. Or, you probably did that in your past life. LOL.

I have to remind myself that trying is a good thing. If I fail, then it’s okay. I can try again. If it truly doesn’t work for me, I’m going to move on to the next thing, instead of fixating on it. Who knows, I might pick it up in the future again when I’m interested in it.

Additionally, I should stop beating myself up for making mistakes. I’m not there yet since I still have these automatic thoughts that pop up in my head whenever these things happen. But I try to counter them as best as I can. I saw a statement before saying that you did whatever the best you could under the circumstances at that time. I’m adopting this belief because I knew I did what I could then. It’s okay to forgive myself and try again.

That said, starting over isn’t a bad thing, whether it’s a small task or a new career. It’s one of the bravest things people can do since it shows you’re resilient. You can start, fail, and try again. That’s a fact of life. And I’m learning to do this day by day. I hope that whoever reads this and relates to this will remember that you are worthy and deserving of good things.

You can always start again anytime.

Till next time!