I feel inadequate.

I typed those three words in my notepad after going into a spiral one night.

I haven’t had these negative thoughts in a while. Meditation keeps me at bay, and it’s easier for me to quiet my thoughts for a couple of minutes. Plus, through therapy, I could counter my thoughts.

However, those three words hit me like a wave.

For some reason, they felt true.

This feeling of inadequacy isn’t only because of my inadequacy to do new things well. I also feel inadequate because of my relationships with people. I don’t have a romantic relationship, but I feel like I’m not doing enough with people in my circles.

/Willem Defoe voice/ I’m something of a lone wolf myself.

Most days I prefer to keep to, entertain, or consume content myself. One reason for this is to discover new things that people haven’t influenced me to “consume”. For instance, I loved that I watched Girls5eva before someone recommended it to me. It’s these things that help me understand what I like and don’t like. I guess I prefer discovering things myself because once someone mentions a certain movie or show, and they express their opinion, I tend to lean towards it. It’s most likely the people pleasing tendency.

I feel like I have an echochamber and stick to what I like usually. This is what makes me lonely sometimes because I don’t share much of my recommendations with my friends immediately. I do have a recommendations page though lol. But like I’m not someone people ask an opinion for. Which is a totally irrelevant statement to make.

Anyway, I had the inadequate epiphany because I still have some unresolved insecurities. It’s difficult for me to hold conversations sometimes because I do have trouble with it. Sometimes, I’m not sure how to respond to things. I go with my typical cursing or laughing. Or something else just to respond.

Additionally, I feel unimportant all of a sudden. But I realize I don’t extend the same respect for giving people time when they give it to me. This is a downside of “finding my flourish.” I tend to “overstimulate” my brain with content or things to learn because I want that “zing” moment and think, “finally, this is it. This is where I’ll flourish.” Then, when I “overstimulate” my brain with content, I get tired and drained. I don’t give myself rest when I need to. I’m not forgiving with myself.

I know I need to work on a lot of things. Probably because I haven’t done the inner work or processed these things just yet. It’s okay if they surface. It means it’s something I need to address. I don’t have to solve it yet, as much as I want to.

I accept that negative thoughts like these come back because I feel like it’s a way for me to process things properly. Fortunately, I could talk to a counselor, I can work with them to help me address this issue. However, I know that a counselor could do so much, and it’s up to me to work on myself. This could be through journaling, spiritual work, meditation, talking with friends, creative pursuits, and so much more.