I stare at this doc as I try to come up with an intro for this blog. I had this all figured out and it was gone in a snap. Oh my memory.

If you recall, I wrote a blog about my daily habits. If you haven’t, then go check it out.

Well, the reason I brought this up is because it’s connected to this one.

Energy.

I learned late in life that our energy levels change from day to day. Sometimes, you are up and running, ready to tackle whatever challenge the universe has for you.

On some days, you feel like you want to stay in bed, but can’t. You have responsibilities that you can’t get out of.

In the last few weeks (and the next few weeks), I feel like I’m running on a 5% battery charge. Yes, that’s how I’ll describe it. And it’s because I added a new daily habit.

Last April, I enrolled in a web dev class that will last for six months. Maybe I can discuss this further if, yes, it’s an if, lol, I graduate haha. And that class has been a constant in my life every weeknight.

The class is tough.

I’m not sugarcoating that anymore.

Look, it was easy at first, as all classes are. I have little knowledge of HTML which I used back in high school. Plus, some of it I apply at work. Meanwhile, the CSS one, it was new territory. However, this one’s manageable.

JavaScript, on the other hand, that’s a whole different story.

Look, I was ecstatic to learn a programming language. I’m challenging myself this year to learn a new language. I didn’t expect to learn a programming one.

Now that we’ve been introduced to various beginner concepts, I feel like my brain has melted. Sure, there are easy concepts in JavaScript. But there are two concepts that I need to grasp further. I even cried one Saturday because I couldn’t figure out how to write a code for homework due the same day. At one point, I even consulted ChatGPT. Yes, that fucking bot.

However, I wanted to try it myself. But I couldn’t because I couldn’t grasp it.

I submitted an incomplete assignment because I said it was better for me to submit an incomplete assignment based on what I know than submit one that was AI-generated.

I feel overwhelmed with the class. But I knew what I was signing up for. And I want to make it clear that I am in no way blaming the organization for the classes.

The energy I usually use to take breaks and relax has now been delegated to this new habit. The unused time could be used to watch whatever series is compelling *coughs*The Bear*coughs*. Unfortunately, I have to make room for coding. My free day where I could rest and relax, well, it’s no longer enough. Even writing a blog takes so much of my energy and I decided to write it today because I’m going to spend tomorrow and Saturday coding.

Part of me is like, why the fuck did you do this to yourself.

But there’s another part of me saying, remember your why. Remember why you’re doing this. As Coldplay sings, nobody said it was easy.

Learning a programming language, without ANY computer science or programming background is a toughie. But, we charge. We move forward. Many of my predecessors have been here, and I’m sure they’ve experienced the same thing. Feeling blocked. Feeling overwhelmed. Feeling like they’re about to give up.

(And an advanced fuck you to Grammarly before I edit this because these three phrases are used consecutively; well I don’t give a shit – Yeah, forgive me, I started watching season 3 of The Bear hahaha – there were a lot of Fuck yous already said).

I’m giving myself grace for being slow and feeling discouraged. Before, I would be hard on myself and push myself so much to the brink of a breakdown.

I remind myself that it’s okay where I’m at right now and what pace I’m at. Sure, I’m at level 2 probably and my classmates are level 10. But hey, what the heck. We all have different learning speeds.

It’s challenging to find your flourish (ehe see what I did there haha), especially when things are not clicking the way they used to. But I have to try. I have to do this. I have goals to accomplish. I can’t stand by and do nothing. Part of me doesn’t want to get stuck anymore. And maybe this is the first step.

I feel like it’s a sacrifice I have to make. It means having less energy to talk. Less energy to feel enthusiastic about my daily habits. Partly, I’ve accepted that. I’m thinking hey, when we reach the middle of July, it’ll be 3 more months, if I’ll still be in the program. 

I’m unclear where I’m headed at the moment, but my commitment to writing a blog for a month will remain. It’s a promise to myself so I can stay creative. Plus, if I find a compelling workshop to do in the next few months, I’ll definitely sign up for that to fulfill my goal of having four creative workshops in a year.

Well, whatever happens, I’ll persevere. I’ll continue to challenge myself. I know I can reach out to people when I need help. I just have to be mindful of my energy daily and see where I’m at.

Till next time, dudes!