I’m not anyone’s first choice.

I think of these words when I feel left out or excluded. It’s such a powerful statement, actually. It stings.

I realized that after getting triggered over something recently, and it felt painful. I’ve never been the go-to by many people. I’m not someone people go for a conversation for. But I’m not gonna lie, I’m a little hard to reach out to lately, LOL hello self-awareness, because I’m taking web dev classes. I’m very busy. It’s both a blessing and a curse if you think about it. But, in the context of what triggered me, it hurt.

I cried and realized how terrible to feel this way. I thought I was okay with being by myself and alone. But no man’s an island, as the adage says. A lone wolf like me still feels loneliness from time to time.

Sometimes, I’m tempted to talk about how I felt hurt. Expressing the hurt. Yet, how do you navigate these conversations? Are these even worth bringing up? I suppose it’s something worth discussing because it matters to you and how you connect with people, then do it.

Additionally, I do realize, it’s a two-way street. I know I have to reach out as well. I’m working on that. Haha. I’m asking for your patience. But I do understand if you can’t make time for me yet or have no intention of seeing me (lol see this is the worthiness and low self-esteem talking). However, I just realized that my shadow came up and I’m grateful to those who are there. Thank you, you know who you are.

I’ve been feeling like this since July or August, I think. Think of this as a sequel to this blog.

Then, I thought, maybe the reason I’m having these thoughts and feelings is because of my Chiron in the 9th house, which is funny because I’m in my 9th house profection year.

For your reference, here’s the profection wheel.

However, what’s not clicking is why it’s hitting socially than what’s inside of the 9th house. 

Here’s a reference to the core principles of each house.

Maybe I’m not too advanced in astrology for me to over-analyze this. But having a Chiron in Leo in the 9th house, it does make sense why this wound hurts. Some astrologers say that this wound is related to one’s self-esteem, too, and maybe that’s why it’s taking a hit lately. 

Plus, it’s also Libra szn. With it being in my 12th house, feelings of loneliness and isolation are heightened, especially related to relationships (not just about love). Yay for me. Fck.

I mean, it’s been NOT GREAT self-esteem-wise. I feel like a dumbfuck in class and like I’m not doing enough in life. You see how that comes easy for me? I bet that’s the Chiron in Leo roaring at me. LOL.

The wound is also related to feeling worthy.

I can’t really pinpoint the exact moment when it started, but for some reason, I don’t feel worthy of things or deserving of good things.

Crazy, huh?

Every time I get a gift or someone is treating me to good food, it feels weird to receive it because I think, what the fuck did I do to deserve this good thing? Like how did I get here to get gifts? 

It’s such a weird thing to think about because before I remember crying over things that I wanted. LOL. I had spoiled brat moments.

But seriously, I’m not sure when that started; I theorize that my 2014 dark period ingrained most of the negative thinking I bring with me until now.

I do counter my unworthiness through affirmations. It hasn’t worked but I still write things like “I’m worthy.” or “I deserve good things.” Maybe it’s for neuroplasticity’s sake.

Just remembered that I hope I end up like Thor, though. That despite not having Mjolnir with him for years, he was still worthy of holding the mighty hammer.

But yeah, these are heavy, heavy thoughts. And truly I need more help. At this time, I can’t help myself yet since I have some things going on. However, I remember my bestie’s words to me whenever I feel down or stuck in life.

“Be kind to yourself.”

It’s hard for me to do that since I’ve always been too critical. #saturnthings.

But I’m practicing.

‘Till next time, dudes!

P.S. I know I promised a post for Virgo szn– the actual one. Unfortunately, I didn’t get the time. I might post it for another szn instead. Ehe.