I’m not sure how this topic came about.

It’s probably a mix of me watching some TV shows or movies or simply ruminating over many things in life.

One of the reasons I started Find My Flourish was to find my purpose. Or, at least, some semblance of it.

But one thing that popped into my head was the idea of mortality; of how we have such a limited time on earth.

Like how do we reconcile the idea of purpose when you have probably 50 to 70 years to live? Based on the ages I supplied as a range (lol), I’d say I’m halfway through my possible lifespan, and I don’t feel that zing or have a purpose.

Truthfully, I don’t want to spend so much time pondering on what my purpose could be on this planet we call home.

It’s been more than a year since I started this blog and tried some things, like:

• Making a mug
• Creating a candle
• Coding
• Creating soap (which I’ll write a blog about!)

Yet none of these things have prompted the “zing” I hope to have, which could serve as my purpose on earth LOL. Who knows the next few experiences I have could do the trick. However, I don’t want to fixate on the idea that anytime I do something new, it would be like The Purpose. Hahaha. I’d prefer enjoying myself first. Haha.

One thing I think that doesn’t get talked about much when discussing purpose is grief. It’s not a loss of a person per se. More of a loss of sense of self. A loss of relationships. A loss of material things. 

As I embark on my journey to purpose, I grieve for what could have been if I pursued a certain career or hobby. I also grieve for the person I was before Find My Flourish because she was a lazy bitch HAHAHA but I know that that self still exists, but not in the way she existed. I grieve for the level of friendships I have, too. As I keep myself busy, the less I talk to others. And I grieve for the self that was active in group chats. I’m trying to resurrect that as I recover from my web dev class. It was a sacrifice I had to make because I wanted to make the effort to learn. I know that once I’ve recovered, it will be different.

Aside from this, I remembered reading some Reddit threads before about how people have not figured out their purpose, even if they were, like, in their 40s or 50s. It gives me a sense of relief that I’m not alone in this endeavor. It’s okay that I don’t have THE purpose, y’know. I mean sure, it’s great for some people to know that they want to be a teacher or a doctor or a lawyer. I do feel a slight envy that they know what they want to do. However, I’ve somehow made my peace that maybe my purpose is just to live and enjoy whatever time I have left. 

‘Till next time, dudes!